Giant Powdery Manbaby
by KeepsAwayTheNargles
Summary: Sirius and James come up with another clever (Read: Stupid) plan, but this time Remus is not included because he's become a victim! Some crack ensues and we get a look at Remus on drugs.


AN: Please bear with me, I know this story is weird and not my best, but just a bit of crack drama :) Written for the Cards Against Humanity Challenge!

Prompt: I'm pretty sure I'm high right now, because I'm absolutely mesmerized by _ A Giant Powdery Manbaby!

Enjoy! :D

* * *

Sirius glances at James with a smirk which doesn't look suspicious in the least, because he always looks like that. He's such a wayward kind of person nothing would seem out of character for him, except maybe him dumping Mckinnion for Parkinson. James tries not to fiddle his fingers or stare too long at his other best friend, and Prefect sitting on the floor in front of him.

"James, have you even started your Potions essay? You know Slughorn won't favor you anymore after he heard you pestering Lily after class yesterday."

James rolls his blue eyes up to the ceiling. Remus has been asking him about it all weekend, but seriously, there is plenty of time to get it done.

"Not yet, in about an hour I've got Quidditch practice with Smith." After seeing Remus' dark expression he recapitulates, "I'll start the introduction tonight."

James give Sirius a wink and a nod. After that Sirius removes the Maraurder's Map from his pocket and checks on it, scanning the pages carefully he looks up and nods back to James. Everything happens behind Remus' back who's unaware of the silent conversation.

"Good. If you two don't mind, I'm going to bed." Remus packs away his school supplies and two page essay with a spell, and everything disappears into his backpack. "Goodnight guys, see you tomorrow."

Sirius and James wave him off. As soon as the dormitory door shuts they face each other with excited faces.

"He didn't seem to notice anything off!"

"Right, let's keep it that way."

James leans in a little closer to Sirius whispering, "Okay, so are you sure your plan will work? Won't Remus be weary of you offering him food, especially after last time?"

Sirius laughs his voice light, "Oh don't worry about it, I've got everything covered. I'll hit him right in the weak spot! Just you watch."

James' expression falters a bit, he asks with caution, "This won't hurt him right? You said that it wouldn't

"Of course not, Marlene told me how tons of Muggles used this back when she went to Muggle university during the summer. Why she chose to further her Muggle education I'll never know, but she says the effects are pretty mild and last only hours, so nothing should cause damage. Of course, she doesn't know I'm actually about to use it."

James looks into Sirius' eyes carefully trying to pull out a lie, if there is one. He doesn't look guilty about his aforementioned statement, which causes his excitement to bubble back to the surface.

"Peter has everything in place? You saw him on the map?"

Sirius laughs. "Yep. Operation Grass has begun!"

The boys laugh with each other, James departs for his late night Quidditch practice while Sirius joins Remus in the warm dormitory to sleep.

The next morning is bustling with a kind of happy giddiness you can only have on a Sunday, a day of fun trying to prolong the weekend to last longer. The four Gryffindors head out of the Fat Lady portrait hole, and down to the Great Hall.

"Remus, you do know what day it is, right?" Peter asks in a soft voice.

"Of course I do, don't worry, I'll be drinking my potion now."

The boys look satisfied and sit at the long table in front of a huge, promising bowl of scrambled eggs. They eat their fill until their stomachs are full. Then Remus pulls out a flask and downs the contents in one gulp. His eyebrows and mouth turn down in disgust.

"I will never grow to love that flavor," Remus comments. He takes one more bite of sausage and then rises to leave the table.

"Wait, Remus ... don't you want to wash it down with something else?" Peter asks keenly. He holds out a napkin with something wrapped inside.

Remus spins back around to look at Peter while James and Sirius watch the scene unfold, trying to keep their smiles back.

"What's that?" Remus asks.

"My mum sent it to me, but you know I don't do homemade treats, so you can have it." He unwraps a chocolate fudge brownie topped with chocolate syrup.

Sirius watches Remus' eyes light up, and for a moment he wants to snatch the brownie away, but he lets his friend take a bite.

"It's a bit weird tasting, but who am I to judge chocolate?" He continues to devour the brownie, it only takes a minute until he pops the last bite into his mouth.

Peter isn't in on the joke, he thinks that he's just done someone a good deed and will not be joining them in their day plans, because he has a Gobstones Club meetup to attend. "See you guy later!"

James looks at Sirius with wide eyes, the hard part is over but what comes next is a complete mystery. He couldn't be anymore curious than he is now.

"That brownie wasn't terrible, but something about it reminds me of something ... kind of like a salad. It had a sort of planty taste ..."

Sirius laughs in a raucous, barking manner. "A planty taste! That's a good one Remus!"

James catches onto the ruse and join along. "Only you would say that about a brownie! Don't insult Mrs. Petterigrew like that."

Remus quirks one eyebrow and stares at his two friends. His natural born instinct catches up to him. "What have you two done?"

That sobers the other two up very fast. Sirius dons his perfect puppy dog eyed face, while saying innocently, "Nothing."

"What do you mean?" James feints ignorance.

Remus facepalms. "Oh come on, you two taught me what that look means! - Urk."

The boy leans forward onto the table a bit for support, his expression turns very serious. "I feel kind of funny!"

Sirius can't hold his laughter in, but through his amusement he suggests, "Why don't visit Hagrid?"

"He always knows what to do!"

James grabs his hand and pulls a confused Remus out of the Great Hall. The trio drag him all the way there while making silly comments, and when they decend the hill to Hagrid's, Remus begins to dig his heels into the ground.

"No! We can't go! We can't go!"

Sirius stops dragging his friend, and ask him, "Why not?"

James waits patiently for their friend to speak. It looks like it takes a lot of effort just to utter one word. He's sweating profusely and taking short breaths. He lifts his pointer finger up like he's checking the direction of the wind.

"That is where the giant powdery manbaby lives!"

James does a double take looking at Sirius and then back at Remus. Sirius himself looks unsure of himself, and the first real signs of regret seem to set in.

"I can't believe we drugged him, he's going to kill us."

James nods. "Hagrid will most likely have something to help us."

Remus steps forward, "I'm not drugged, don't say that!" he sounds angry, "Is Hagrid the name of the manbaby?"

"No..."

Remus shrieks, "You're lying to me! Why! That's where the giant powdery manbaby lives! He's covered in powder! So much powder!"

At Hagrid's Hut, James knocks on the door and waits for him to answer. Remus rips at Hagrid's Vervain plant and throws it at Sirius.

"Really?" was his only response. James laughs his butt off.

The door opens and a friendly face smiles down at them. " 'Ello there, come on in!"

James and Sirius find chair while Remus curls up under the table.

"Well, I don't wanna make any crazy 'sumptions but I'd say the reason you're here is because of him?" Hagrid hands out two mugs of tea.

"I don't wanna talk ... I don't wanna talk to the manbaby!" Remus looks mesmerized by Hagrid.

Sirius smiles proudly, knowing Hagrid won't give him too much of a bad wrap. "He's drugged."

"We were wondering if you had any kind of tonic? We don't want to take him to Madame Pomfrey." James looks down at their sweaty, paranoid friend with light amusement. He's holding his knees and rocking back and forth.

"Well can I ask ya somethin'? Who drugged him?"

Sirius and James exchange guilty looks. "We did. Who knew he'd turn into a loony! Better yet, in a few hours he changes! It won't prevent him, right?"

Hargrid shakes his head. "It shouldn't mess with his body like that, 'ony his mental state. He'll still be able to change, but who knows what'll happen then. You two ought not be tryin stuff like that."

James bows his head. Sirius just cocks his chin up arrogantly. "We're young! We're supposed to be doing stupid stuff!"

"Yeh, but not to your own frie-"

The lecture gets interrupted by Remus trying to climb out the window, and being knocked down by his own equilibrium. The look on his face is hilarious enough, he truly thinks he's in the house of a giant powdery manbaby, his expression has fear written all over it.

Hagrid sighs and takes a long gulp from his tea. "How long until he changes?"

"An hour." James answers swiftly.

"Dang, I aint got anything that could work in under that time. I have one thing, a strong wellness tea for giants. Because it takes a lot to make us sick in the firs' place, it takes a lot to help us get well too, so we have our own kind of tonic. Since he's human, it migh' work somethin' good."

Once the tea is made half an hour later, Hagrid tries to give the tea directly to Remus.

"I am not accepting anything from anyone, especially not from manbabies!" Remus bangs his hand down on the table.

Sirius laughs. "I don't know what manbabies did to him in a past life, but wow, it must have been something terrible to earn this kind of hatred."

James rolls his eyes at Sirius' sarcasm, then tries to persuade his best friend. "Remus, it's not from the manbabies ..." He sounded silly just saying that, "it's from me. Just a small tonic to make you feel better."

Remus turns his nose up snootily. "I don't want it."

Sirius smiles. "I've got an idea. Hagrid, do you have any chocolate?"

Hagrid melts some chocolate into the tea and tries to offer it to Remus once more. "Remus, wouldn't you like some chocolate?"

This perks his expression a little bit. "Chocolate."

"Yes. Yummy, delicious, melted chocolate." James chants trying to tempt his best friend into drinking the wellness tea.

Remus stands up and goes over to his best friend, he smiles very widely at him and simply states, "Chocolate."

James chuckles. "Always the same." Then hands the beverage over. He watches Remus drink deeply until the cup is empty. When it is, he drops the cup on the floor and it breaks. Remus laughs hysterically at the floor where the broken pieces lay.

"The tonic should take about an hour to take effect." Hagrid says shaking his head at the drugged boy.

"Byeee giant powdery manbaby! You weren't so bad after all, because you gave me chocolate."

Sirius grabs Remus by one shoulder and guides him out of the door before he can say anything else. James sniggers out the door while waving to Hagrid. On the way back the tonic seems to be gradually taking effect.

"I don't feel that good, Sirius," Remus groans. "I feel like I had a weird dream. Someone put something in my food and I ate it, then became sort of vindictive. That really weird, right?"

The two guilty marauders don't look Remus in the face, it's clear that he's come down from his high and now remembers very little about what went on. Remus has a pale face, and drawn eyebrows with his hands visibly shaking.

Once they get up to the dormitory without a hitch, they three sit in the armchairs around the fire. Remus takes a moment to stare at the fire moodily.

"It was you, and Peter wasn't it? I remember now, I can see your faces when I ate the brownie. Sirius Orion Black! You freaking idiot, why would you drug your best friend!" Remus stands up now fully aware of his actions and sticks his index finger at Sirius' chest. "You owe me so much right now! Just tell me one thing, why would you do it?"

Sirius averts his eyes from his angry best friend. "I needed a guinea pig so I could see the effects. Marlene wanted me to try it first without her, so I could tell her if it was safe."

James watches the two bicker not wanting to get in the middle of it, but he steps in to cool down the volcano that is about to erupt.

"Remus, just look at it this way. You needed a huge break anyway, all you've been doing nonstop is homework all weekend. We wanted to give you a little fun."

The tired Gryffindor just looks astounded at his two best friends and their ridiculous excuses. "Whatever, you two owe me so much!"

* * *

I know, not the best ending but I didn't really know what to do with a sobered up Remus ...


End file.
